Love?

I know I have touched on this topic before a few months back, but I wanted to visit it in more detail. I never really understood the feeling of love it was always something, that puzzled me, how do you know when you are in love? Does it really feel that different? Can you really tell? These question and many more always popped into my head whenever someone mentioned it or brought it up in conversation. When I was a little younger (just to clarify I mean like 15/16) lots of my friends kept telling me that they were in love and they were so happy and felt amazing, and I was sat there like well I must be broken I haven't felt this with any of my relationships...

After many years of self discovery I figured out why and all that jazz (referring to my previous post). Then it finally happened and well it's so hard to explain the feeling to someone because well it's indescribable. I never thought I would care about someone, other than my family, the way that I do. One thing I know is that for the people you love you will do anything because they mean the world to you, I still believe this, and I think for me this will be true no matter what happens.

Even though sometimes it hurts to be in love, you suffer though the bad times because the good times...well there the best. Don't get me wrong I know this may not last forever and sometimes even the good times cannot make you fight through the bad, but for now all I know is I'm happy, and I shall take everyday as it comes whether that be good or bad.  

I wish I could make this longer, describe to you exactly how I am feeling but it is so difficult to put into words they way I am feeling, and for me that is really something, as that is the one thing I am usually good at :).    

If by any chance this gets read by anyone that I love whether that be my family, friends or even that special person, they should know that it doesn't matter what you do. I will always be here, I will always care, and I will always love you.            

Love, Life and Everything else

So I haven't posted in yonks I know but this is my attempt at redeeming myself. Where to begin that's the vital question...

Ok let's start with something positive these last couple of months have been amazing for me for a few reasons; I got the chance to meet Hannah Hart who is one of my favorite 'internet celebrities' which was amazing, I then went to a show called #nofiltershow which was a comedy show with Hannah Hart, Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart in it, which was ridiculously funny and by far one of the best nights I've ever had, and finally I came out to my family as bisexual because I met the most amazing girl!

Meeting Hannah Hart.

So on the 2nd May Hannah posted to her tumblr that she was having a spontaneous meet up in St. James' Park in London on the 4th, and my mission began to find someone to go with and some way of getting there because this was happening! Anyway I convinced my dad to go with me after a few hours of explaining who she was and why I had to meet her now all I had to do was wait until Sunday.

The night before and I got no sleep what so ever, because of my excitement obviously, but the morning finally came and I had butterflies in my stomach because I was so nervous and yet so very excited. The meet up was scheduled from 10am-12pm and I arrived in the park at 9.30am at this point there couldn't have been more that 50 people there. The wait was antagonizing but Hannah finally arrived fashionably late wearing a classy top hat and waistcoat.

  

She first did a 20 min Q and A in which I got a spontaneous hug from her which was lovely the little peach. She then moved on to the meet and greet, by this point there was around 300 people there so the chances of her getting through everyone in 1 hour and 40 mins was slim but I hoped. Hannah being the lovely person she was stayed and extra 30 mins to make sure she saw everyone, and when I met her it was amazing I cannot even find the right words to use to describe the moment. She gave me the biggest hug and I managed to hand her all the gift I got for her whilst keeping my composure, she absolutely loved the hat i gave her and she signed my one which was awesome.We finally posed for a photo and then it was over. Although the experience was short I will always remember that as one of the best days of my life.

#NoFilterShow:

I will keep this part short. The show was absolutely amazing and one of the funniest things I have ever seen, Hannah spotted me in the audience as I was wearing the same hat as her and i got a cheeky little wink too. I met loads of my internet friends and made loads of new friends, as well as getting a signed poster, catching one of the shirts that was thrown into the audience and obviously getting to see my idols in person. It was an unforgettable night many feels happened as well as many drinks.

Love?

Ok so here goes I don't really believe in love at first sight because lets be realistic if someone had a really bad personality and you don't at all click then it probably isn't love, plus I find it kind of shallow to be honest. Now I, for a long time thought that I was a little broken because even though I have had relationships in the past, I have never really had and strong feelings towards someone, so I was a little skeptical of a relationship. That was until I met someone incredible, I will not go into details about this person for obvious reasons. I am not sure how this will develop or change in the future but one thing I am sure of for now is that I am HAPPY and it feels amazing!

So that's all the awesome and amazing things that's happened to me recently. Any thoughts? 

Sometimes you just have to say Fuck Off!!

Right this is a pre warning I got pissed off today and so this is my way of venting and so yes this is a rant!

Ok so here is what happened to me today, i had the day off of college today and so i decided to go into my local town and wonder round the shops as the sun was out and it was much better for me that being inside all day. Anyway i had a really great day wondering round with my sister getting things done that needed to be and all that stuff, then we headed home. You may need some context here. Basically my mother had been away for the night and had returned while me and my sister were out. So we got home, we were both really tired having been on our feet all day and having walked home in the hot sun, so we sat down and went through our stuff, that's when my mum noticed what i was wearing. Her mood immediately changed she was all of a sudden filled with anger and she turned to me and said "is that a man's shirt you are wearing?" to which i replied "yes, why?" she then screamed at me to take it off and that it was going to go to the charity shop, and that she hoped i didn't go out in public dressed like that.  

Now this really pissed me off ok, so what if i feel comfortable wearing a guys shirt i will wear whatever the fuck i want to wear i am 18 years old and can make my own decisions about how i want to look. After this reaction by my own mother i can't help but question how my own family judges not only me but other people they see. I started thinking about this and i remember another situation where to quote my mother she said to me "you look like a dyke", now i personally hate this word and its connotations but it really made me think how i could even be related to my own mother, we have such different opinions and outlooks on life to me its strange.

I mean i'm perfectly comfortable with who i am, but my family is not. I do not judge people based on stereotypes, I judge people on there personality, everyone is a human being whether they are young, old, gay, straight, black, white no matter what!

I encounter a similar reaction from my sister. Note: i am quite close to my sister and so i talk to her about a lot of stuff. So i recently decided to tell my sister that i was bisexual, and the first thing she said to me was "no your not your just confused" now i personally thought that out of all my family my sister being of a similar age to me would understand this and be more accepting of it, but she wasn't, she just kept denying it. This really discouraged me and it has taken me about 6 years to accept who i really was and i finally felt ready to tell my family and yet i was rejected almost straight away. Just in case your wondering i haven't told any other member of my family since.

Anyway that's the end of my little rant I'd be interested to see what you guys think of the situation, should these kind of attitudes still really exist in 2014?

'Be the person you want to be, not the person you think you have to be' - Hannah Hart  

How music makes me feel...And why it helps.

So last night i was sitting up in my room because for some reason my brain told me i wasn't going to go to sleep until 4am, i mean i was fine with this until i realised that i have college on monday which incidentally is tomorrow. Anyway that's besides the point i was sitting in my room listening to music and reading some blogs on here, and i started thinking how music can change the way you feel in a instant.   

Like i said in my previous post listening to music is one of my best ways of coping when my depression hits (so not the right wording but meh) and i started to think why this was so here are my theories. (just would like to clarify in no way are these related to science so don't expect much on that side of things)

Numero uno:
So one of the main things that comes into it for me is the lyrics of the song, if the lyrics make me feel then i automatically have something to relate to. Not only that but i am not ashamed to admit that there are quite a few song that make me cry, and this can be for various reasons, because they have a specific link to part of my life or they just pull on my heart strings, but it is the lyrics more than not that do this to me. Although there are also songs that just make you want to get up and dance and give you the rare feeling of happiness or inspiration. Empowering songs you know?

Numero dos:
The general melody of a song also effects the way my emotions respond to it. I particularly get a strange un-explainable feeling when a song has a strong element of a piano in it, i don't know whether its just the sound of a piano or if its the joy and emotion that i personally feel when i play the piano so i relate that to the music. Anyway yeah so for me, and probably most people, if a song has a slow rhythm or the rhythm slowly builds then it has a particular effect on my emotions. 

I also quite enjoy what i would call an angry song, basically a song that has a harsh drum beat matched with crazy guitar solo's and shouty lyrics, as my mother would call it rubbish but's that's generally just when someone angers me and it most likely due to one of the little f**kers at my college. (this isn't a rant i swear)

Anyway what i'm basically trying to say here is that for me music isn't just a song but when i listen to certain songs or genres of music they really effect the way i feel to the point where i can literally feel every beat in my chest. (that probably sounds really weird, but its the truth) For me that's one of the reasons why i love it.

So i have decided i'm going to shove an inspiration/funny/uplifting thing in your face at the end of everyone of these :)      

       

Depression

Hi I'm just another teenager putting my views on the internet for everyone to read why not. i want to apologise for my poor grammar now just bare with.

Anyway i wanted to talk about my struggle with depression, and before you think this is an attention seeking thing its not this is my way of trying to explain my feelings and help people if they need it and want it. So i am 18 years old and i have been living with depression since i was around the age of 14 and unlike some i believe that i have come to the root of the problem of why i feel the way i do and how i can deal with it.

So i personally believe that the reason that i feel the way that i do was due to a particular turning point in my life that effected me deeply and that i was never really able to get over. When i was 12 years old one of my close friends passed away due to neuroblastoma a form of cancer that is more prominent in children. (if you would like to read more click this Nueroblastoma Info) I was very close with this particular friend as we had known one another since, well practically since we were born, so when she passed away it crushed me and personally i don't think i was able to ever grieve properly and so now i still experience this type of feeling even at the age of 18.

Hayley Marie Spokes loved and missed

I have experience many other events in my life that have effected my state of mind; having to deal with being my mothers sole carer after she suffered from 3 strokes, having no real support network when it came to the early days of the depression, etc. but I always saw these as bumps in the road growing up i never really knew what it was or that it could ever be depression.

One of the hardest thing for me and a lot of people is getting help in these situations. You see for me its sounds a bit mental but i have become comfortable with my state of mind, i have been feeling this way for so long that it almost seems normal to me. Now don't get me wrong i know i have depression and i know that feeling the way i do isn't "normal", but its harder than that. Getting help isn't as simple for me as a phone call its yet another person knowing whats wrong and, for me, judging me, and i know that they are professionals and that's not what they are there for but that is what its like.

Seen as though i find it so hard to ask for help off of people i have found my own way of dealing with my feeling so here is a list of what i do when the depression hits (i hate myself for saying that cringing so much right now)

• My number one go to is Music; listen to something that matches your feeling so if your angry rage it out, if sad listen to some adele and cry your heart out.
• Violence, not attacking people dont worry, punch a pillow or something soft so you don't hurt yourself (this one only really works when your angry)
• Go for a walk, get some space separate yourself from society and your problems get some fresh air.
• Cry it out, sometimes I will literally sit in my room for hours and just cry it out and let me make it clear this normally happens when my house is empty so i can also do some screaming if needed
• Art work, i will also throw myself into something constructive and yes sometimes this does end up with some pretty strange pieces of work, but having something that can occupy you for a good 4 hours is a positive thing it distracts you from the feeling.      

Another piece i did to remember my friend

One of the piece's i did when i was feeling down

So yeah that's just a few things that i do to help combat my depression at no point have i ever taken anti-depressants because i personally believe that if you can live with it and cope in your own ways there is no need to let medication rule your head and your life. If anyone has any questions feel free to contact me and tell me what you think about this subject?

This may not flow very well and i apologise for that but its my first try at this so yeah...cheers :)